Do you ever feel like you are just going through the motions in your life? Doing the same thing over and over again every day until you die? Wake up, go to work, come home, go to sleep and then the next day do it all over again. It's like being in a never ending sea of motions but at the same time being completely motionless. This is how I have feel everyday, like the passion and joy I had for life slowly drifting farther and farther away just out of reach. I reach out not wanting to let it go but I never quite get close enough. When I am happy, I am happy but it doesn't seem to last very long before the switch in my brain flips and my mind fills with a mixture of fear, anger, and sadness. I scream at those I love, pushing them away when all I really want to do is pull them close and push the thoughts away instead. Am I just transferring my pain onto those around me or plunging deeper and deeper, suffocating myself in my own thoughts?
I scream "WHO IS THIS PERSON?" My voice echoes into the darkness at the stranger in front of me. I don't even recognize my own reflection in the mirror staring back at me. Her stare is piercing in the silence just watching to see what I will do next. I've been told that I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions on my face like that is a bad thing. I truly don't believe that it is because it shows that I genuinely care but also can be a burden at times due to the visibility of my fears and pain. It's like you are reaching out for help but the words aren't verbalized but instead you just stare into space like a zombie with a beating heart hoping to find someone who understands their twisted mortality. Why do we constantly fear the unknown? Why are we so quick to judge what we don't clearly and completely understand?
One thing I know for sure: I'd rather be motionless than emotionless.
Thursday, June 30, 2016
Friday, April 29, 2016
What does it mean to have HOPE?
Hope. What does that word truly mean?
According to Webster's Dictionary, Hope is a verb that means to want something to happen or be true and think that it could happen or be true. Seems simple enough right? One would think anyway but what happens to those who lose all hope? Not just losing hope in the world but more importantly losing hope within themselves and about themselves. Some would just say that those people have low-self esteem but it is more than that. When you label someone without knowing their story, you put them into a tiny box with no air holes and no hope of escaping. Let's just say that you did that with God? Where would that leave you? For me....it left me Hopeless and Angry.
The problem was that I kept feeling like something was missing but could never truly figure out what it was. Satan had gotten a hold of my mind and kept twisting my thoughts causing me to fall deeper and deeper into the pit of darkness that I started to create within my own mind. I started to Hate myself and who I had become. My Anxiety levels skyrocketed and I was very Depressed. Anyone can give you a label whether it is hurtful or not....even YOURSELF.
People can only tell you so many times that what you are feeling is all in your mind but until you believe it yourself, they are only words that flow in one ear and out the other. That was me, High-Strung, Anxious, Depressed, and Ignorant. I made myself feel lonely and completely forgot that there is ONE person who is there for me no matter what, GOD.
I've been reading Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer for awhile now and I highly recommend this book for anyone who feels like they are trapped inside their mind. It has helped refocus my thoughts to a calmer place and opened up my mind and heart. So instead of labeling myself negatively, I have started to think more positively and if I feel the need to label myself to use positive words such as Beautiful, Kind, Loveable, Calm, Hopeful, Happy and Mindful.
According to Webster's Dictionary, Hope is a verb that means to want something to happen or be true and think that it could happen or be true. Seems simple enough right? One would think anyway but what happens to those who lose all hope? Not just losing hope in the world but more importantly losing hope within themselves and about themselves. Some would just say that those people have low-self esteem but it is more than that. When you label someone without knowing their story, you put them into a tiny box with no air holes and no hope of escaping. Let's just say that you did that with God? Where would that leave you? For me....it left me Hopeless and Angry.
The problem was that I kept feeling like something was missing but could never truly figure out what it was. Satan had gotten a hold of my mind and kept twisting my thoughts causing me to fall deeper and deeper into the pit of darkness that I started to create within my own mind. I started to Hate myself and who I had become. My Anxiety levels skyrocketed and I was very Depressed. Anyone can give you a label whether it is hurtful or not....even YOURSELF.
People can only tell you so many times that what you are feeling is all in your mind but until you believe it yourself, they are only words that flow in one ear and out the other. That was me, High-Strung, Anxious, Depressed, and Ignorant. I made myself feel lonely and completely forgot that there is ONE person who is there for me no matter what, GOD.
I've been reading Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer for awhile now and I highly recommend this book for anyone who feels like they are trapped inside their mind. It has helped refocus my thoughts to a calmer place and opened up my mind and heart. So instead of labeling myself negatively, I have started to think more positively and if I feel the need to label myself to use positive words such as Beautiful, Kind, Loveable, Calm, Hopeful, Happy and Mindful.
Monday, April 11, 2016
Who Am I To You?
Who Am I To You?
That question keeps coming back to me over and over again. My fiancé and I recently saw the movie God's Not Dead 2 and the entire theme of the movie was that very question. Throughout the course of the movie I kept thinking to myself who is God To Me? The next day, my fiancé and I were at Barnes and Noble and while we were sitting in the cafe area, after buying our books, he asked me Who Is He To You? For the first time in my life I didn't have an answer and I was upset and furious at myself. I knew what my answer should be but I couldn't bring myself to say it which frustrated me even more. For the first time, I started to question if my thoughts were mine or just something I said over and over in Sunday School and Chruch. Do I know that Jesus Loves Me? Yes I Do. Can I sing Jesus Loves Me This I Know and truly mean it? I thought I could but now I'm questioning everything and it hurts. When I was younger after Sunday School, I would run to my dad and tell him, "The Bible Is True!" Thinking back, I realized that I've never truly read the bible cover to cover. This is one reason why this blog felt important for me to write. I want to feel that connection with God again that some how got away from me. I want to Trust him again. I want to truly know him. I want to be able to pray and not feel awkward or like I am bothering him with my requests. I want to truly and fully love him again and most importantly be able to stand and tell someone the answer to Who Am I To You?
That question keeps coming back to me over and over again. My fiancé and I recently saw the movie God's Not Dead 2 and the entire theme of the movie was that very question. Throughout the course of the movie I kept thinking to myself who is God To Me? The next day, my fiancé and I were at Barnes and Noble and while we were sitting in the cafe area, after buying our books, he asked me Who Is He To You? For the first time in my life I didn't have an answer and I was upset and furious at myself. I knew what my answer should be but I couldn't bring myself to say it which frustrated me even more. For the first time, I started to question if my thoughts were mine or just something I said over and over in Sunday School and Chruch. Do I know that Jesus Loves Me? Yes I Do. Can I sing Jesus Loves Me This I Know and truly mean it? I thought I could but now I'm questioning everything and it hurts. When I was younger after Sunday School, I would run to my dad and tell him, "The Bible Is True!" Thinking back, I realized that I've never truly read the bible cover to cover. This is one reason why this blog felt important for me to write. I want to feel that connection with God again that some how got away from me. I want to Trust him again. I want to truly know him. I want to be able to pray and not feel awkward or like I am bothering him with my requests. I want to truly and fully love him again and most importantly be able to stand and tell someone the answer to Who Am I To You?
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